“For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little” (Isaiah 28:10)
“But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.” (Hebrews 5:14)
“Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.” (Galatians 6:1)
“Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14)
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
“Brethren, be followers together of me, and mark them which walk so as ye have us for an ensample.” (Philippians 3:17)
“And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea.” (Mark 9:42)
“And he said unto them, The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them; and they that exercise authority upon them are called benefactors. But ye shall not be so: but he that is greatest among you, let him be as the younger; and he that is chief, as he that doth serve. For whether is greater, he that sitteth at meat, or he that serveth? Is not he that sitteth at meat? But I am among you as he that serveth.” (Luke 22:25-27)
Crouch down to their level and look her in the eye. Empathize with your face. No angry eyes. Exude patience and understanding. Do not be ruffled by their emotions. Your goal is to help them learn how to process and handle their emotions, not repress them.
“Can you say that respectfully?”
“I understand you want x, but I can’t do that.” [Hold the boundary.]
“I think your body is telling you that you need a self-calming break. Why don’t you go on a walk, or spend a few minutes in your room until your body is calmed down?”
“Let’s go sit on the couch for a few minutes. I’ll help you calm down.” [Guide to the couch.]
“Can I pray for you? Lord, thank you for [name]. I pray You will give her peace in her mind and heart. Help her body to calm down. Give her the strength to say what she is trying to communicate in a respectful tone of voice. In Jesus’ name, amen.” [Extend as necessary; reframe with gratitude]
“A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1)
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29)
Quickly grasp their hands only tight enough that they can’t use them to hit you. Look them straight in the eye from their eye level.
“I can’t let you hit me. God made your hands for helping other people!”
“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” (Romans 12:18)
Quickly grasp their hands only tight enough that they can’t use them to hit the other person.
[Connect with victim] “I’m sorry he hit you. We’re working on that.”
[Connect with child] “I can’t let you hit her. God made your hands for helping other people. Can you repair the relationship?”
“If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.” (Romans 12:18)
When you connect with the victim, you’re modeling an apology to the child who did the hitting. They will pick up on this on their own; no need to force them to apologize or say they’re sorry.
Crouch to the child’s eye level. If hitting is involved, quickly grasp their hands only tight enough that they can’t use them to hit the other person.
[Connect with victim] “I’m sorry he hit you. We’re working on that.”
[Connect with child] “I know that must have upset you, but I can’t let you hit her / shout at her. God made your hands / mouth for helping other people. The Bible says when people hurt us, we are to be patient with them, not hurt them back. Can you repair the relationship?”
“See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men.” (1 Thessalonians 5:15)
“Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written,Vengeance is mine; I will reapay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Do not be overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:19-21)
Use kind and clear communication in response.
“I’m sorry, I can’t understand that. Can you use your normal voice?”
“Can you say that respectfully?”
[Non-verbal] “Are you trying to communicate that you want x?”
“For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle? So likewise ye, except ye utter by the tongue words easy to be understood, how shall it be known what is spoken? For ye shall speak into the air.” (1 Corinthians 14:8-9)
“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.” (Ephesians 4:29)
Exude patience. Is the child focusing on something right now? Is it possible they did not hear/register? Count to ten. Get down on their eye level; if they’re clearly concentrating, wait until their concentration breaks if possible and restate whatever it is. Otherwise, clearly and kindly connect with them (hand on shoulder; repeated attempts to communicate).
“Can you explain to me why you’re not talking to me?”
“Are you being faithful with little right now?”
“Did you know you’re teaching me that I can’t trust you right now? If I can’t trust you to talk with me, how can I trust you to x?”
If the child continues to ignore, move on. Do not be ruffled. However, a natural or logical consequence of some kind is attached; perhaps valued time reading was just used up. Make this clear in a neutral moment.
“I therefore, the prisoner of the Lord, beseech you that ye walk worthy of the vocation wherewith ye are called, with all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3)
“Charity suffereth long, and is kind . . . is not easily provoked . . . beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4, 5, 7)
Exude patience and a calm spirit; resist the temptation to engage in a power struggle. The most likely tactic if the child simply won’t cooperate is to move on without them. Do the task and address the issue with the child later in a neutral moment. Remember that discipline is teaching, practice, line upon line in lots of difference environments.
“Can you explain to me why you don’t want to do what I’m asking?”
“We’ll talk about this later when you’re ready to be on a team.”
“Do you remember earlier when I asked you to x, and you said y? Do you think that was respectful? How is a way that you can repair the relationship? Did you know that being respectful means being on a team with me?”
“A bruised reed he shall not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench: he shall bring forth judgment unto truth. He shall not fail nor be discouraged, till he have set judgment in the earth: and the isles shall wait for his law.” (Isa. 42:3-4)
“Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding.” (Prov. 4:1)
“The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” (Prov. 29:15)
“And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: and thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up.” (Deut. 6:6-7)
If the child is exhausted and not thinking clearly, recognize this and continue to be patient. Ask yourself if there are any other factors at play (example: terror of thunderstorm, sleep deprivation). Work through whatever needs to be done even though the child may scream and cry; the goal is to just guide the child through until bedtime, home, story time, or the next available moment when you can sit with them and connect.
“I know you’re tired. We’ll get you home as soon as possible.”
“Let’s come together and do x.”
“A bruised reed he shall not break, and the smoking flax shall he not quench” (Isa. 42:3a)
“And one of the multitude answered and said, Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb spirit; and wheresoever he taketh him, he teareth him: and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth, and pineth away: and I spake to thy disciples that they should cast him out; and they could not. . . . And they brought him unto him: and when he saw him, straightway the spirit tare him; and he fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming. . . . Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. . . . Jesus . . . rebuked the foul spirit, saying unto him, Thou dumb and deaf spirit, I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him. . . . Jesus took him by the hand, and lifted him up, and he arose. . . . This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting.” (Mark 9:17-18, 20, 23, 25, 27)
As always, patience is the key. Get down to their eye level. Speak calmly and directly. Hold firm boundaries.
“I’d love to spend time with you. Right now I need to think about x. Please be respectful right now. Thank you!”
“Are you being respectful to me right now?”
“I am concentrating on x. Right now, it’s time for you to be focusing on y. Let’s spend some time together in a bit.”